Call me accident prone, adventurous, spacey, unlucky. I don’t know what it is about me exactly, but I end up in more /facepalm situations than the average individual. Yeah, shit happens to everyone, but I would be willing to bet that if you compared my epic fails with those of the average population, you would find a p-value of way less than .05.
Lately, I’ve been on a streak that all started yesterday when I went to move my company vehicle in preparation today’s day of promotions in the city. It didn’t start. Seeing as how I am pretty much the only person I know personally who is crazy enough to accept the responsibility of having a car in this city, I didn’t know anyone who could jump it for me. So I called a mechanic, and sixty-five dollars later the car was running. The problem was, he told me to keep it running for an hour so the batter could charge up. So I did, and on the way out of the lot, anxious to run an errand before closing time, I totally ROCKED my toe on a piece of rusty metal that was jutting straight up out of the cement. It’s one of those things where my big toenail is broken in half but I can’t *fix* it without making it worse, if you know what I mean. Everything about the situation was saying TETANUS WARNING to me, but my lack of health insurance combined with a deep sense of embitterment towards NYC health care facilities after being hit with surprise bills for services I didn’t request made me inclined to take my chances with the tetanus despite the good advice of my Internet friends in the medical fields.
After putting the Xterra in for the night and limping my way to close the gate, I realized that I had locked the key to the gate in the car, which was parked on the other side of the gate I had just locked.
That was yesterday, and what stood between the vehicle that I needed to complete my day of work-related activities today and me was a 15-foot chain-link fence, also rusted to the core. At first I thought I was screwed, but I found one four-foot wide stretch that didn’t have razor wire along the top, and I knew what I had to do. With flip flops and a busted toe issue though –not to mention the window full of hipsters who were staring at me, intrigued by my facepalm gesture — I decided to wait for morning.
And there is nothing quite like scaling a 15-foot rusted fence in Brooklyn at 6 AM. Last night, I was able to rationalize not going in for a tetanus shot. Today, not so much.
My wake-up gash.
I actually feel fortunate that this is the worst of my injury from what I attempted though, because it could have been much, MUCH worse (impaling and bone-breakage immediately come to mind). It’s a good thing I’m limber.
Then on my way to work I got a ticket. Yes… this is my 6th ticket that I’ve gotten in the ~three weeks I’ve had the company car, resulting in over $400 in fines. This one is of indeterminate value though because apparently, I need to now go to court to defend my choice of TURNING LEFT when it was the ONLY WAY to get into the commercial parking zone of my destination. Apparently, one may not turn left there between the hours of 7 and 10 AM, which neither Google Maps nor myself had any way of knowing. Defend I will.
So I went inside Port Authority to meet my contact and to ask for someone to help me carry the heavy stuff I needed to set up, and to watch it while I moved my car into a legitimate parking zone (ie: not a NO STANDING AT ANY TIME zone, which was the only available/feasible spot).
When I came out, my car would not start, once again.
I know what you’re thinking and luckily, I didn’t get another ticket. Despite the questionable nature of the sign, the zone did appear to be legit for commercial vehicles. Does this make sense? May I point out the illogical nature of getting a court summons for turning left where there is no signage, and getting nothing for parking immediately beneath a really ominous sign?????? You may point out the illogical nature of me parking beneath that sign in the first place, but that’s all part of the job.
Then I went on a quest for jumper cables, and after unsuccessfully asking countless individuals and, not one, but THREE NYPD officials who ALL told me they would send someone over to help me and no one ever came, I was lucky enough to have these two fine gentleman take me on as their cause:
“How’d you get that nasty cut?”
“Scaling a fence.”
“I woulda liked to have seen that.”
Comments aside, they were pretty nice and did what they could to help me. But it still wouldn’t start. So I had the California office send over someone from an auto shop to try to jump me once more, and then… to be towed when it was established the culprit was the starter, not me stupidly leaving a light on — which I KNEW I didn’t do (yeah haters, you can suck it).
Buh bye, Function Mobile!
On the ride to the auto shop I had the company of the guy in the image above. After eying my shorts, he asked:
“Hey. What happened to your leg?”
“I cut it on a rusty fence.”
“Man, a while back, I stepped on a rusty nail and had to get a tetanus shot. You know, the shot hurt more than stepping on the damn thing. Those needles are massive.”
To top the day off — and this could actually be the worst part of my day so far — I really had to pee when I got there after waiting hours for car service. My expectations weren’t high for their facilities, but I had no preexisting experience that would have allowed my mind to conjure them this low…
Before you ask if there was toilet paper, I will point out that there was no running water. Good thing we Midwestern girls are accustomed to the corn fields if you know what I mean.
So that was my fail day. I walked out of that place not knowing where I was, but getting instructions from this epic fellow that a train was “two blocks down that way”.
The train was actually 11 blocks away but on the upside, before I left he invited me to be his Facebook friend!!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait, I am going to friend him right now.
So what did I learn today?
A. New York is not experiencing any kind of shortage of epic characters, so it’s good I live here because they all make for great story-telling fodder and photo ops.
B. I need to stay away from rusty objects… and probably get a tetanus shot or two.
C. My tax dollars are going to support the thievery of members of the NYPD who are all worthless pricks with no sense of civic duty!
Have a nice day.
